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with like orcs and human warriors and flying beasts and mages and interplanetary portals and there’s even elves and dwarves here though not that much. Like we can tell the King is the King because he’s wearing a crown, but it doesn’t matter with everybody else. Who cares what the Guardian is or what he does for a job or why the magic is death. You can tell because the movie is very serious about everything. Except when they call guns “boomsticks” that sounds like it’s not even part of this movie like maybe it came from somewhere else that doesn’t quite match up with the serious feeling that Warcraft has. The synopsis: Orcs are invading human lands because the orc place is dying because of magic or something. This is important because men need something to fight for and also to know that someone will fuck him when he comes home.

It’s like someone made a Lord of the Rings movie but left out all the boring stuff about what hobbits like to eat for breakfast and elves sitting around talking about politics and definitely all the stupid stuff about why evil is so bad. And instead the guy who made the movie just filmed all the battles not just the war-type ones but the wizards throwing magical lightning and stuff around. This movie doesn’t even really have like a main character so you don’t get bogged down with his stupid life story or anything like this. I mean what is more important, that you know who everybody is and what they want out of life when they’re only going to get killed later anyway or is it better to spend time listening to people saying “Iron Forge” and “Stormwind” and “the Guardian is summoned” and “the magic is death to all things”? Of course there has to be one badass warrior babe, and she’s kinda hot cuz she’s green like that slave girl on Star Trek, and even though she’s half orc she’s still hot. It’s great that Warcraft doesn’t waste any time either with like telling you who people are. It’s like Yes you are men, you guys, but you’re not white, so you don’t get to be in charge or make decisions. There’s the beautiful Queen who inspires soldiers and an orc wife who has a baby and gives the main orc guy something to fight for.Like who cares if Frodo is tempted by the One Ring? Like her orc tusks aren’t gross or anything and you could still kiss her. I may not be a jock or a brain but as long as I’m a white guy, I’ll be okay. There’s this one scene where the King who is of course played by a white dude called Dominic Cooper and his army leader guy who is played by another white dude called Travis Fimmel are arguing about military tactics and there’s like a black guy and an Asian guy and maybe another not-white guy standing around listening, but they don’t get to talk. Who would you trust to fight invading orcs from another dimension who are using magic against us? Naturally because this is a movie there’s pretty ladies here to look at, but they’re not like major characters or anything because they are mostly just there to support the men like in the real world.It’s kinda weird though because mostly the orcs aren’t green, they have normal white skin, only a few orcs are green. There’s also a thing where a baby orc is put in a river like Moses which really makes you think. But the hot orc chick is played by a black actress called Paula Patton so I think maybe this is like a racial commentary. Also a lot of people have bare feet a lot of time which I think is meaningful but I’m not sure how yet. I will probably have to see Warcraft at least 10 times to figure it out. The only thing that might have made this movie even better is if Rush did the soundtrack.

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