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But that’s not what you’re dealing with here: your girlfriend literally wants or wanted to have sex, and you do want to have sex. I think what drives couples apart most intensely are Unsaid Things.

When you do have sex, it’s framed as a favor she’s doing for you. You never have a chance to satisfy her, either, and you’d probably like to! Unsaid Things can take many forms: they can be secrets you’re keeping (you cheated, you started smoking again, you have feelings for someone else), feelings you’re afraid to share (“I’m not attracted to you anymore” “I think you drink too much” “I think you love me more than I love you” “I hate your friends”) — and they can be things you’re not allowed to talk about because your partner won’t let you, like “when are we gonna get married? ” These unsaid things pile up like bricks in a wall you’re building between the two of you until you can’t see over it anymore.

My girlfriend and I have been together for eleven years now, and she doesn’t want to have sex with me.

It’s not as though she wants to have sex with anyone else either, but her sexuality is very personal to her and she is more interested in masturbating than being with me. I love and care for so many close friends who I also get along with “very well.” I imagine that most of these friends don’t want to have sex with me, and I don’t want to have sex with them, and that’s one of many reasons why we’re friends and not girlfriends!

She has also been uninterested in oral sex throughout our entire relationship. Before we even get into the sex part — can I tell you something that stood out to me in your question that you may not have noticed when you wrote it?

We have a lot of deep love for the other, and we get along very well, but I don’t know what to do with this lack of desire. My girlfriend does understand that it’s important to have sex, and she sometimes will have sex with me in order to keep me kinda sorta (not really) satisfied, and she can bring me to orgasm. You said that you love your girlfriend, but you didn’t say that you’re love with your girlfriend.

Neither of us are interested in an open relationship, but we’re not interested in breaking up either — because of the aforementioned love and care we have for one another. Do I continue to sacrifice my own needs in order to stay in this relationship where I am undesired, or do I end a relationship with so much love and care for the other? You said you get along “very well,” but you didn’t say that she makes you laugh, that you’re crazy for her, that she’s your favorite person to spend time with, that she “gets you” in a way nobody else does.

We have been in couple’s therapy to try to deal with this, but it just doesn’t seem to be getting better. You didn’t really sell me on this relationship being so amazing that your very fundamental human need for sex might be worth sacrificing.

Although it’s totally normal that your sex life would be a little less intense after 11 years together, it sounds to me like this has been a problem since the start.

You also say that you’ve been to counseling and counseling didn’t help, but you’re still together, which suggests that you’ve both surrendered to the illusion that your lives and your romantic relationships will never get better than this.

I want you to know that that’s not true, and that leaving is opening yourself up to the possibility that things could be better… I’m sure at first it felt like a little compromise, ’cause relationships do involve a lot of sacrifice and compromise in order to work.


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