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But don’t make it into a “I don’t find you attractive” issue–or “you need to be skinnier” issue. Proverbs says, It does not say, “Make sure YOUR breasts delight HIM”; it says to him, “delight in your wife.” Biblically, the onus is on the spouse to stay enthralled.

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Eating well does not take any more time than eating poorly, and so it’s a blessing we can give our family and our husbands.

Choosing to walk places or choosing to take up biking as a family are all good things that can help us keep our weight manageable. Wear clothes that flatter (and you can do that even if you’re plus-sized! So much of being sexy is about attitude, not just what we look like. And right now I think speaking and writing and spending time with my kids takes precedence over trying to look like I did when I was 20. You get more hair growing on your upper lip and chin (where did THAT come from?!?! Your metabolism slows, and while you could eat a ton at 20 and stay 120 pounds, now you eat less and you’re 145. Maturity means recognizing this and delighting in having a spouse to grow older with, not in expecting that person to stay 20.

But even if you’re not a size 2 (and very, very few of us are), you can still be attractive! If you’re passionate with your husband, and you present yourself well, you’re choosing to love him. Now, if I were 250 pounds and this were a serious heath issue, then I’d feel differently. Sex is supposed to unite us in multiple ways–spiritually, physically, emotionally. And when we put so much emphasis on needing the perfect body in order to make love we’ve lost the point. Yes, the body is important, and yes, we need to do what we can to keep ourselves attractive to our husbands.

At the same time, let’s not forget the point of this life. For me to get back to the weight I was when I was married would require a tremendous amount of effort. I’m not saying exercising is bad; for many people, it’s their stress relief and their hobby, and that’s wonderful. If I were to exercise for an hour and a half a day, that time would have to come from somewhere. Should I stop writing my next book (or take about 3 times as long to write it? But we must weigh the costs, and not see the whole weight issue in a vacuum. But that does not mean looking like you’re 20 when you’re 35 and you’ve had 4 kids.

Last weekend I caused a bit of a hullabaloo by posting a Reader Question that said, “I’ve gained 25 pounds since we had kids, and now my husband doesn’t find me attractive. He apologized for hurting me, but he frequently turns me down when I proposition sex. ” There were some not very helpful comments left on that post, and I thought it was an important enough subject to revisit and post some of my thoughts!

So here goes, in no particular order: Being attractive to your husband is HUGE.

If your spouse tells you you’re not attractive, that’s devastating, and it’s hard to recover from.

We’re supposed to delight in our spouses, not tear them down.

So this is something that is likely best to keep to yourself.

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